So, the world has gone into total meltdown, people are losing their actual minds and I’m still trying to get to grips with going back to work and having aching feet again.
So why not give my inane views on this bizarre start to 2020?
Yeah, it’s been a weird couple of months. I started the year unemployed as fuck, with a mountain of job rejections and about as many positive prospects as a rat in woollen factory. Do they use rats for wool? Who knows…they do in my world. But in any case, things weren’t looking their rosiest. January was just a big extended booze bender (and by that I mean I was almost constantly brewing to replenish my home stocks) and I didn’t have any new jobs on the horizon.
Enter February. I get one job notification, trot off to an interview, get three more random job offers in the next seven days, but decide to take the first one in the end.
And you know what…it was a decent choice. My new pub is nice and sedate, the posh elderly folk like to moan every now and then about over-battered fish, but I can live with that. It’s a far cry from manhandling drunk students from the pub…or cleaning up the remnants of some dirty slag’s miscarriage in one of my toilet cubicles. Yes, that is a real story…I genuinely had to do that about eighteen months ago. It wasn’t my most favourite pub memory.
But, my new pub is okay. It has lovely decor and fires, like these…
So all was going well…until a little bug entered the Matrix…
Now, let me start off by saying I’m MAHOSSSIVELLLY into conspiracy theories. I’ve binged watched every conspiracy series from Jesse Ventura to Hangar 1. I love that shit. And I believe most of it…except flat earth and reptilians…you guys are cur-azzzyyy!!! But the New World Order and control mechanisms are very real I reckon.
Hell, my novel is based on the concepts.
But I never thought I’d see it all happen.
Not that this post is going to be about conspiracies coming true. I am too freaked out by the happenings to go for that. For example, I watched a show called ‘Doomsday – Ten Ways The World Will End’ about a fortnight ago. One episode was about the slowing of ocean currents due to melting arctic ice diluting otherwise salty seawater. One of the results was as series of devastating storms over northern Europe. Fascinating stuff.
Then Storm Ciara, Storm Dennis and Storm Jorge flooded the fuck out of towns ten miles from my front door in quick succession and I wondered if I’d watched a fictional documentary or An Evening With Nostradamus…
It’s been a little scary here in sodden Wales, let me tell you.
I thought it was all my fault. You see, after seeing the awesome band In This Moment in concert in Cardiff last year I’ve embraced my dark, heavy metal side to the point that I’ve stopped given a fuck about what people think, given in to my own natural loves and I’ve even invested in rune stones and cosplay jewellery. I thought I’d brought the devil to bear on my country for the crimes. Then I realised I’m simply not that important, no matter how arrogant I want to be.
Then this little virus comes along. I say little, but that’s disrespectful to all those who have died from it. Though lets be honest, regular flu would have probably been enough to kill them and we wouldn’t be talking about them now. And the mainstream media has had the biggest collective orgasm over it since last SuperBowl Nite Party at the Playboy mansion. All of Fleet Street will need a massive cigarette after this shit dies down.
I mean, it is actually insane. People head-butting each other over a pack of crappy toilet paper in supermarket aisles. Even with restrictions, I saw one woman today buying five pack of 18-strong bog roll. That’s NINETY rolls of shithouse paper!! How many times are you going to take a shit, love? You aren’t buying food…what the fuck is going to come out of your arsehole to justify that many rolls of Andrex????
I digress. The shopping madness is well covered. Though I did find it IMPOSSIBLE to buy honey today. Honey! What the hell is that about? I wanted to make my signature home brewed lager – which I call Liquid Jizz – and it has honey in it. But nope, nada…no honey for me. I had the last laugh though…I stockpiled other home brew ingredients from my local supplier. When the water runs scarce, at least I will still have beer. I wont go thirsty…and I’ll toast to all those dumb bastards in their toilet paper forts who do!!
But my point was that our esteemed Prime Minister today advised people not to go to pubs…but didn’t declare they should be closed. This is the public school retard we have running the country. Pubs, cafes and other social gathering places should have been the first places to close. Why close schools? The same people going to the same place every day should be relatively safe. Hospitality venues, where anyone can come and go as they please, and where people pee on themselves and don’t wash often enough, are ripe for disease-spreading.
This is nothing new. I’ve made a hobby out of opening doors by touching different parts. And I’m hygienic. I’ve run kitchens, I’m a clean freak. But I still watch as other men visit the bathrooms, don’t wash their hands, then pick from the peanut pots on the bar.
Salted or dry roasted, sir?
But its like hospitality workers, just like public transport and retail workers, are worth shit. If you work in banking, go and work from home. everyone else just has to take their chances. I daren’t sneeze in case I get bundled into a van and carted off.
And I still reckon martial law and internment camps are just around the corner. But time will tell on that paranoia
So stay safe everyone. And for fucks sake, wash your hands!!!